Actor
This is the person (for example Kevin Costner) who stands in front of the camera and pretends to be someone else. Not to be confused with a director (for example Martin Scorsese) who stands behind the camera and tells everyone including the actor what he wants them to do. There seemed to be some confusion about this amongst Academy members in 1990.
Batman & Robin
To what depths of awfulness can a movie sink? Witness the debacle that is Batman & Robin. So bad it threatens to rip a hole in the space-time continuum. There aren't enough words in the English language to describe the truly despicable nature of this film. In an ideal world, if you looked up the word 'dreadful' in any dictionary there would simply be a publicity shot from Batman & Robin. This film looks likely to set a new benchmark of badness for the foreseeable future. Offensive to the eyes, ears and sensibilities.
Biopic
These are films which are about 'real people'. Usually very famous and very worthy people doing very worthy things, like discovering cures for terrible diseases or inventing wonderful things that enrich everyone's lives. Alternatively, they can be about real people struggling and eventually overcoming adversity. This latter category particularly appeals to much of the Hollywood community, as they can relate these struggles to their early career experiences before they became rich and famous.
Career Reaper Effect
Closely related to the Grim Reaper Effect (see below) whereby an actor/actress is awarded the gold statuette for a performance which, though good doesn't merit the award but the Academy feels that another performance of equal stature will never again be forthcoming as the actor/actress is getting on a bit, so they figure they have to give them it this time. A notable example recently would be James Coburn winning the best supporting actor Oscar for Paul Schrader's Affliction.
Cartoon
An animated film which only contains drawings and no actors, actresses, cameramen etc. As they differ so wildly from conventional films, surely they would be ineligible for inclusion in the best picture category at the Academy Awards, and to nominate one (for example Beauty & The Beast) would be to make a mockery of the whole event.
Chick-flick
A film designed specifically with the warm fuzziness and easily manipulated emotions of women in mind. A successful chick-flick should conform to some (or preferably all) of the following criteria:
1. The main protagonist should be female.
2. Should star Meryl Streep and/or Shirley Maclean and/or Susan Sarandon.
3. Relationships with men should feature heavily and be analysed to death.
4. Events of a 'tragic' or, alternatively, 'uplifting' nature must happen at least every ten minutes, preferably to the protagonist.
5. The climax should be designed such that women will cry; whether it be due to tragedy or joy makes no difference.
6. The protagonist should be extremely strong willed. (Armed to the teeth for post-modern chick-flicks).
Director
A person (usually male) who directs the proceedings on the making of a feature film. He makes all the decisions affecting the outcome of the final product. Not to be confused with an actor (such as Robert Redford), who merely wants the kudos that comes with being a film director, and something to do when his good looks fade and he can no longer be taken seriously in a love scene with a beautiful 25 year old co-star.
Grim Reaper Effect
A curious but entirely predictable phenomenon whereby if there is a nominee (particularly in the acting category) who is very old and looking as if they may not be with us much longer, their chances of winning the Oscar increase dramatically. This is especially true if they have been around Hollywood for years but have never received any official recognition thus far. 1981 was a golden year for the Grim Reaper Effect: Witness both Katherine Hepburn and Henry Fonda's win for On Golden Pond, and John Gielgud for best supporting actor in Arthur.
The Gimp Factor
The Academy are very impressed by the portrayal of people with unnatural tics, weird speech impediments, shambling gaits, mental shortcomings, or physical disabilities/imperfections (Gimpishness). They are, therefore, more likely to award the Oscar to actors who incorporate these failings into their performance, and the more the better. This is known as the Gimp Factor. The more Gimpishness portrayed, the higher the Gimp Rating (see below) the actor would receive. For example; Daniel Day Lewis played a paraplegic with control over only his left foot in My Left Foot, and would therefore have a Gimp Rating of almost 100%, while Tom Cruise played a Vietnam vet who is paralysed from the waist down in Born On The Fourth of July, thus giving him a Gimp Rating of only 50%, making Daniel Day Lewis an almost dead-cert for taking the Oscar home (which he did).
Gimp Rating
The degree of Gimpishness displayed by a performer. The higher the Gimp Rating, the greater the probability of success come Oscar Night.
Hardcore
Not anything to do with pornography in this instance; more a stance or position that a filmmaker will take which is likely to alienate much of the Hollywood Academy (the majority of whom are old, conservative and easily offended) resulting in the filmmaker being knocked back when it comes to handing out the goodies come Oscar night. Good examples would be David Lynch's Blue Velvet, Tony Kaye's American History X, or practically any Spike Lee film.
Hollywood
Place where most of the films that I love are made. Also the place where most of the films I hate are made.
'Jerry Bruckheimer Presents...'
Should you ever be presented with these words before a film starts, be afraid. If the next sentence is 'A Michael Bay Film' then leave the theatre immediately in order to avoid permanent brain damage.
John Woo Movie
A curiously popular form of Action Movie in which a film's running time is extended by thirty minutes due to gratuitous use of slo-mo, and multiple angles of the same event (usually acts of extreme violence). The John Woo Movie is also characterized by most or all of the following:
1. Simple (dumb) storyline.
2. 'Cool' (not very good) acting.
3. 'Balletic' (boring) action sequences.
4. Excessive use of slow motion.
5. Excessive gunplay.
6. Extras who wear white suits.
7. Characters who chew on matchsticks.
8. Incomprehensible dialogue.
9. A juvenile exploration of the themes of loyalty and betrayal.
10. At least one (usually several) Mexican Stand-off(s).
Magnolia
The Best Film Ever Made. Intriguing, moving, funny, sad. All these things and never less than riveting from the first scene before the titles right up to the credit crawl after three hours of nirvana for film buffs.
Meryl Streep
Meryl Streep is to an Oscar Nomination what the the fluffy bits of velcro are to the hooky bits.
Raging Bull
A magnificent achievement in directing for Martin Scorsese who was suicidally depressed after the poor performance of New York New York. One of Scorsese's best films, and certainly the best boxing film ever made. But it is so much more than a boxing film. Excellent performances from all concerned.
Robert DeNiro
Along with Al Pacino, the finest actor around in the seventies and still, occasionally today. His performances in Taxi Driver and Raging Bull are spellbinding. He can even turn his hand to comedy if the script is decent - witness Midnight Run. A great all rounder, who isn't easily categorized. Although it's almost impossible to forgive his decision to do 15 Minutes.
The Spider Clause
Like the spider in the tale of Robert The Bruce; If at first you don't succeed try, try again. There seems to be a clause in the Academy's handbook which states that persistence will eventually be rewarded. So if you are continually nominated for an Oscar but are always passed over, eventually you'll win it - just hang in there. The only catch is you'll get it for a performance that is nowhere near as good as the one you gave years ago when winning an Oscar would have helped your career immeasurably. A good example is Paul Newman winning the best actor Oscar for The Color of Money, after years of great performances and six nominations, when he should have won in 1961 for The Hustler.
Thelma And Louise
A stinking, steaming pile of horse manure of a film, which seems to say that All Men Are Bastards and All Women Are Virtuous. Ridley Scott, maker of the excellent Blade Runner, and Alien, obviously let his judgment take a few months off while he made this feminist clap-trap. If the same film were made with male protagonists, the Woman's Liberation would have picketed it from now 'til Doomsday.
Titanic
What a waste of money.
WoodenTop
A Performer who, for some reason commands large paychecks even though there seems to be absolutely no sign of any acting ability whatsoever. Indeed, not only can these people not act, but are so annoying as to render any film in which they appear unwatchable. The most notable examples today are Ben Affleck and Vin Diesel. For a complete rundown of the top ten woodentops both male and female, click on the links to the left.
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